Inserting Foot, Sock and Boot in Mouth

The tendency to pry and break down normal social barriers of conversation with people I don't know that well has always been something exciting/dangerous to me, and just like Russian Roulette, you're gonna spin the barrel and land on the bullet at some point. And boy did I.

I could probably site many examples of why it's better to listen and shut the hell up sometimes, but this one really blindsided me. Through my work, there is a department at one of my "Big Box" clients that lately has been notorious for 66% of the females working there to be getting or going through a divorce. I often wonder if they had a meeting at some point to discuss the finer details of pro's vs. con's of turning their worlds upside down to search for new meat, and while this can easily be played off as pure coincidence, the relationships between these ladies is strong enough that I would not be shocked to learn that there is a sinister plan behind all this.

In normal conversations that occur between myself and the divorce crew, I will normally ask something like "what's new and mind blowing in your universe lately?" This last Thursday proved to further my theory of mass divorce conspiracy, but it was the details of what this young lady ended up saying to me that took a huge dump in my Cheerios. She did no more than hold up her left hand to display that she no longer had a wedding ring on, and this prompted a series of divorce jokes from me, knowing that she has a good sense of humor, and that some light hearted conversation might cheer her up during a not so enjoyable time.

Now this is a perfect example of where it should be widely known that passing off the reigns of this conversation should go to her, she probably has lots to say about it. My broken brain decides to go investigative journalist, asking questions that I probably should leave for her to bring up on her own if she feels comfortable enough with me to discuss. She says to me "It really just came down to having more kids. He wants to; and I'm not ready, and I don't know if I ever will be."

Normal conversation rules dictate that facial expressions do in fact play a key role in determining the route of where talk will lead, just like playing The Sims, you look for thought bubble pictures and sounds that are synonymous with what you are talking about. I should have known after she said this that the look on her face said to me "I don't like talking about kids."

Captain Warning Sign Ignorer (me) went ahead and asked "How many kids do you have now?"

Her response "I had one." Silence......."He died as I was giving birth to him."

Now I had no way of knowing this, and I definitely would not pry to talk about something as tragic as this had I known. Needless to say, having super powers that would allow me to time travel, run through walls, resurrect people, grab words out of the air before ears hear them, would have been super neato right about that moment.

Long story short, I learned a valuable lesson that while fast tracking your way gaining trust from people by asking personal questions, it's often better to just shut the hell up sometimes and let someone else pilot the conversation, certainly when it could involve something tragic that you did not anticipate. I need to stick with things that I'm good at, like saying inappropriate things at the dinner table, screaming at old people while they are driving awful, and hitting things with sticks.

Tuck in your shirt and wear a belt, Christopher Ford cares.

First off, I understand that if I accidentally stumble upon a website devoted to fashion, all news stories and tidbits of info will generally revolve around fashion. Same with music, travel, medicine, midget tossing, salad tossing, or knock-knock jokes. Here is the article that grabbed my attention while I perused through CNN morning news, as this was linked just after radiation updates in Japan (obviously closely related).


http://manofthehouse.com/style-grooming/fashion/tuck-in-shirt-6a?utm_source=Outbrain&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Outloud-Outbrain


There is not much that I feel I can add to this, and certainly not from his perspective. While I appreciate taking fashion and style tips from another man, his logic and devotion to such an asinine topic actually irritated me enough to inspire me to comment.


I quote Christopher "A man should ALWAYS wear a belt. If your pants (or shorts, or whatever you're wearing) have belt loops, then you should be wearing a belt. Always. If your pants have waist adjusters or are made for suspenders then you are off the hook, but otherwise put a belt on. Even if your shirt is out and covering your belt loops, you should be wearing a belt. Trust me. Not wearing a belt makes you look like you don't care about your appearance and like maybe you should go back to exclusively wearing drawstring sweatpants like you did in college."


Wow, what an astute observation sir. By your Gentlemen's Quarterly logic, if you are wearing a shirt with pockets and a sewn in eyelet for a pen within that pocket, you better have a notepad, calculator, and pen inside that pocket. It's there for a reason, just like belt loops. Some cars manufactured today have ash trays strategically placed in multiple spots throughout the car, you better light up a cigarette, they serve a purpose and they MUST be used to avoid looking like a "slob" or "classless".


I quote again. "Generally speaking, a shirt is supposed to be tucked into your pants, and in fact the majority of shirts are designed to be tucked in. Every time a man doesn't tuck in his shirt it's a choice--a deliberate choice--and is usually made by someone younger than the average Man of the House reader. It's OK, and sometimes appropriate, to not tuck in your shirt, but know that by doing so you're making a choice."


Boy, that sounds ominous. Yes men, we are making a choice, like the one that Chris never made: to move out of his parents basement and focus on not being grossly obese instead of shaping his tuck/untuck theory around ways to make him look presentable in public when he goes on his Taco Bell run.


Here's what I think. Dress how you want to dress. If you want to wear a Fedora with sweatpants and a tube top, feel free. If you would like to wear a wife beater with some fancy slacks, have at it. If you are overly concerned with appearance, it's better to focus on your crappy personality and general unpleasantness before worrying about your belt and tuck or not tucked appearance. I mean for real, look at Mickey Rourke, he appears homeless and looks like he smells like feet, and people pay money to see him. 

Carving scars from stone

Long time, no post. Maybe this can be attributed to lack of motivation, ideas, passion, money, a keyboard.......all pretty awful excuses if you ask the right person, so I'm honestly going to make an effort to take time at least once a week to just put ideas in binary code again.

This stems from an idea I had during the week, regarding who we choose to surround ourselves with in the course of our daily shenanigans, both business and personal. I think we've all felt that feeling of "I wonder if the grass is really greener on the other side" from time to time, and that's absolutely normal for anyone who doesn't just settle for what's laid out in front of them. For me personally, it's ideas of traveling the world or writing for a publication of any sort, moving somewhere exotic and working as a bartender on a beach, elephant trainer, etc. It's the idea of self identification and the strive for always being a little bit more exhilarating, even to yourself, not just how we are perceived by anyone else. In thinking about this, I realized that surrounding myself with creative and forward thinking people is just as important as being surrounded by people who have reached the pinnacle of their pleasure centers by receiving a coupon for Old Country Buffet or took a sweet picture of their accomplishments in Farm Ville. I seem to draw a crazy amount of inspiration from both sides of the coin, and beyond my passion for music I'm brainstorming other facets of creating something out of nothing.

So my realization is this. Creating something from nothing is fundamentally the idea behind everything around us, from the start of the Universe to coming up with an idea, no matter how ridiculous, out of absolutely nowhere. With that I want to personally strive to force focus everything in my life that sucks the soul out of me and use it as inspiration to create something that will not only appease me personally, but give some sort of comfort or entertainment to others. I fully believe this will be a great year for progression and contributing to an already amazing cast of misfit idealists, like a traveling band of gypsies who despise snow and abandoned tradition by taking showers and paying taxes.